Last Updated on December 10, 2019 by Valarie Ward

Surviving parenthood is a lot like surviving war, except there aren’t any rules of combat or textbook strategies. There’s no how to guide to follow, and the world is full of self-help books from so-called parenting experts. The tactics implemented to parent are often the most creative plans you’ll ever engineer. Some work. Some don’t. But you try again and again until you get it right, or at least as right as humanly possible. So if you suspect your child of underage drinking, should you try and spy on them to confirm or deny it?

Pros and Cons of Parental Surveillance

The crown of parenthood is multifaceted. One day, you’re mom. The next, you’re dad. In a given day, you fill the shoes of a maid, a cook, a doctor, a policeman, and a teacher. And sometimes you have to be a bit of a private eye. But is it really okay to spy on your child if you suspect they’re underage drinking? Really, the question is whether it’s acceptable to monitor your child.

If you Google the question that headlines this blog, you’ll see a results page that looks something like this:

It doesn’t take much to see that the debate is mostly about whether it’s right to spy on your child. There is no exacting way to parent. Going to the extent of constant monitoring might be a bit extreme. After all, as your child grows, they expect more trust and privacy. Invading their need for independence can become the catalyst to their making less than ideal choices.

According to ABC.com, it’s entirely possible to monitor your child’s electronic usage to the point of having access to every text or social media message they send or receive, including those they delete. Could this kind of surveillance help you determine whether your teen is underage drinking? Maybe, but at what cost to your relationship?

Trust, Empathy, and Education

Underage drinking costs North Carolina somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.3 billion dollars per year. But it also costs lives, and we’re not just referring to those who die as a result of drunk driving accidents involving an underage drinker.

Drinking under the legal limit affects everyone from the youth who drink to total strangers. Parents, friends, family, and schoolmates all feel the impact of it. So suspecting your child of engaging in underage drinking is a big deal; a big enough deal that you’re going to have to make some tough parenting decisions.

How you choose to check up on or monitor your child is your choice. No one knows your child better, and you will have to decide how intrusive to be, but as you do so, take into consideration the three most important tools at your disposal when it comes to the topic of consuming alcohol:

1. Trust: Great relationships are built on trust. While monitoring and surveillance are a part of parenthood, they can be detrimental to trust if incorrectly used. It’s always best to give your child the benefit of the doubt. Your suspicions might turn out to be wrong, or you could discover that it’s one of their friends who’s drinking under the legal age. Trust your child to make good choices, but do not ignore your cause for concern. Address it openly.
2. Empathy: What exactly is empathy? It’s the ability to understand or share someone’s feelings. While you can never know precisely what someone else is feeling, you can empathize. You were young once, and you can probably remember the allure of things like alcohol. Cocktails and beer were what the cool kids did, and you wanted to be on their level. Showing your child that you can relate to how they feel helps open the lines of communication. They are much more likely to respond to someone who is relatable versus a strict authority figure.
3. Education: How much does your child really know about alcohol? The average youth doesn’t know as much as even they would like. In fact, most youths feel they would benefit from a more active conversation about alcohol with their parents. One of the most powerful tools we have to combat underage drinking is education, and your child is looking to you for it. Why not start talking more about it?

But what if your concerns aren’t being put to rest? Then there are two concepts to keep firmly in focus.

1. When You Shouldn’t Spy: If your child is responsible and plays by your rules most of the time, you don’t have cause to spy. When he or she is open with you, you need to be open with them because spying could do more harm than good. Asking, “Hey, are you experimenting with alcohol?” is going to be tough, but it’s worth it. Let your worry and the reasons behind it be visible. The response from your child might surprise you. Mutual respect and trust go a long
2. When You Should Spy: Probable cause must be present. When you find something incriminating, the whole game changes. As a parent, you are tasked with teaching your child responsibility and accountability. Remember our saying at the outset that on any given day you’ll fill the shoes of a maid, a cook, a doctor, a policeman, and a teacher? There will be days where probable cause turns you into a police officer. How much better is it that your child learns accountability in the home environment versus a real world encounter where underage drinking lands them in a situation with a real police officer?

Confirming or putting to rest your fears is half the battle. Now that you’re armed with the needed knowledge to decide whether checking up on your child is the best course of action, what happens if you find out that they are engaging in underage drinking? What action should you take, and how can you best handle the situation? Be sure to subscribe to our blog because we’ll be digging into this very topic in the near future.