Fear; it takes on an entirely new meaning the day you become a parent. The day you hold your son or daughter for the very first time is the day it hits. You are responsible for a little person, and that little person isn’t going to stay little forever. They will grow. They will change. They will make good and bad decisions, and you will want nothing more than to make all of the bad go away. What if your child does drugs? What if they develop a drinking problem? What happens if your child becomes addicted?
Kathleen is a mother. Her son, who is in his late 20s, is a wonderful person. She describes him as “the kind of son every mother dreams of – caring, loving, always doing the right thing…” He’s the kind of man who would give the shirt off his back to help; the man who goes the extra mile to find the one thing you want more than anything.
Kathleen’s son developed an addiction to cocaine and alcohol. His addiction turned his life and hers upside down. He became a liar and a thief. His life became consumed by the need to use at any cost. Kathleen shares:
No one cares more, feels more, or does more than you because you are your child’s parent. But sometimes—a lot of times—we see parents get in the way of their child getting help.
5 Truths about Parents and Their Addicted Child
Most people think the problem lies with the parent who doesn’t get their child help, or the parent who is an addict and exposes their child to the ugly face of addiction. In our experience, the real issue is much, much different. A lot of times, parents unknowingly get in the way, and they do so in five distinct ways:
#1: Enabling
As a parent, you hate to see your child in pain. You would do anything, give anything, to take the pain away. You will always take the hit for your child because you are their parent—it’s what you do. But it’s wrong.
Think about your child stepping into oncoming traffic. They ignore the ‘Don’t Walk’ signal and step right in front of an oncoming bus. You throw yourself forward, knock them out of the way, and a moment later lie dead on the pavement. A day later, your child repeats the same actions, but you aren’t there to push them to safety. You took the hit. You “saved” them. But they learned nothing.
One of the toughest things for a parent is stepping back as their child makes a bad decision. They chose to walk the path leading to addiction. You cannot take the hit for them without enabling. It’s hard, but you have to realize that sometimes counselors, sponsors, police officers, and others can do a better job of correcting your addicted child’s path.
#2: You Can’t Fix It
You are the fixer. When your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol, you go into overdrive mode. You try to fix everything, and this attitude can get in the way of your child receiving the help they need.
Understand that no one is allowed inside the mind of your child except them and the addiction. It’s a fight they, and they alone, must conquer. You can be supportive. You can be encouraging. But you cannot choose for them to get better. Doing so will only result in failure, frustration, and defeat.
#3: Your Addicted Child is a Liar and (Maybe) a Criminal
Addiction is insidious. Addicted individuals will say and do just about anything to hide and feed their addiction, and sometimes they will participate in illegal activities. Your child will fit this profile, no matter how much you don’t want to believe it.
The worst thing you can do is down talk the police, the judge, the lawyers (even though the family law attorney might be of a good use), and the counselors or programs the court sends them to for help. Not only can this fuel your child’s wrongdoings and addiction, but it also makes their getting help next to impossible. Do not allow your denial to block their treatment and recovery. At some point, you have to accept that your child’s choices put him or her in this situation.
#4: Loss of Friends and Family
As a parent, you love your child unconditionally. Do not expect their friends and the rest of the family to do the same. It is their choice to be a support or walk away, and neither choice is wrong; it is simply theirs to make.
The path your child is on will cost them. Trying to be the king or queen of damage control is the same as trying to fix your child—it’s not your place. How you react to the loss of friends and family while your child is going through addiction will impact their chances of accepting help.
The pain you want to shield them from is the pain they need to feel. It’s part of the process that leads to recognizing, admitting, and addressing their addiction problem. You cannot minimize the pain. To do so will only minimize the effectiveness of recovery.
#5: Get In Touch with Reality
A reality check is going to hurt, but it’s necessary. When you look at your child, you see the toddler learning to walk. You see the 5-year-old chasing dragons with a plastic sword. You see a fairy tale princess dancing around the house. And you still see that version of your child no matter their age.
Society recognizes age. You must, too. Addicted individuals tend to live in the now, and you must also. Clinging to the memory of what your child was can and will make you a roadblock to their getting help. Accepting reality does not mean you hate your child. It may mean that you hate what they do, the choices they make, and the substance they’re addicted to—and that is okay. Accepting the truth is how you will help your child get help without getting in the way.